I have one student in my lineage, who consistently fails. I've tried again, and again, with every skill I have, with every bit of knowledge that I have, with every shred of kindness I have, to help him along the Path; but he never seems to make it. When all is said and done, I can only do so much; I cannot walk the Path for him.
It has gotten to a point now where I don't even want to help him. Facing him - no, facing my inadequacy, my inability to find an answer - disturbs me. Here I am, one who has tread the Path before him, the teacher, the one who is supposed to have answers for him, and I have none left. Nor, if I did, would I want to give them to him, because I feel that if I gave them to him, he would use them and fail, and I wouldn't have anything any more.
But I cannot give up. That Imam Hussayn (sa) taught me, by his martyrdom. I am not allowed, by creed or conscience, to stop trying.
I'm worn out, though. I want the problems to go away. I want to stop looking at people and seeing this problem or that issue; I don't want to think in solutions or answers. I've created the situation myself. I stopped looking at people, I started looking at their problems, and so now, to me, the whole world is a mess of problems.
And I've cracked. I think. Something inside of me has given up. Something inside has begun to accept that it's a fucking mess without a solution and so fuck it.
There's liberation in that, of a sort. Because there aren't any answers, and nothing is ever going to get better, I feel free to be happy with things here, things now. And maybe I can start speaking with people again. Maybe I can let their problems be, not get involved, just live my own fucking life without having to be the answer-man.
Which means: I'm not a good person. I'm not a wise person. And that's OK. You know what? I accept that. I'm a liar and a cheat and a thief. I'm selfish and not very nice. I don't care any more. Because God made me this way, and obviously He did so for some reason, and more importantly, I like who I am. Because I know that in spite of all that stuff, I'm honest and good and generous and loving.
I'm tired of thinking. Today, I went throughout my day just doing each little task. I tried not to think about anything beyond the task. Got up. Got dressed. Made my bed. Checked email. Ate lunch. Went to work. Did each task at work. Came home. Just little bits, one by one, checked them off in my mind, doing each as each arose and checking it off, not thinking about the next one on the list, not thinking about the last one.
And I found the tiniest, the smallest bit of peace. And then I realized that I had a practice to, well, practice. Do each little thing. Don't think about it. Just do it. Very zen, 'n' all, just like doing dishes or folding laundry. Chop wood, carry water.
Practice, practice, practice.
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“It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied. And if the fool, or the pig, are a different opinion, it is because they only know their own side of the question” (John Stuart Mill: Utilitarianism, Chapter 2).
... yet neither the human, nor Socrates, know what it is to be a pig or a fool, and so the logic starts to fall apart.
I much prefer foolishness to wisdom, I'm learning.
"I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance."
Socrates
Wisdom may be no more than the recognition that there are no answers, and no truths beyond that which you yourself create.
In that case, I believe that 'Wisdom' is more akin to an incurable condition of the mind than it is a surfeit of knowledge. Knowledge, you can forget. You can undo. You can revise, revisit and modify. But once you come to the ultimate realization of the malleable nature of existence, you cannot return.
"Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise."
Thomas Gray
Yet once you've tasted the fruit, you cannot retrace your steps. There are no ruby slippers. You cannot default back to satisfied pig. Contrary to what you say, the human does know what it is to be a pig, as man will always be an animal at his core.
"Once you were apes, and even now, too, man is more ape than any ape."
Nietzsche
Wisdom by itself is of no greater use than shit. In fact, it can paralyze and cripple, a disease bringing torment and impotence. Does man know pig? Does justice know injustice? Does law know criminality? If not, can there ever be action in any direction? Do you really want to follow relativism down that path? To the void?
"[t]he last end of every human being, is to discover the fact for himself, to find out who he really is."
Aldous Huxley
Tat Tvam Asi.
Spiritualism is opium for the Wiseman, preserving him from the void. He has created his own answer in the ether. Carved castles in his mind.
Yet as Wisdom is a disease, the castles must crumble, only to be replaced, again and again.
"I find "that of God" in both homes; I find the fellowship of seekers I seek in the Meeting, and the path towards realization I seek in the tariqah."
You
But the materialist has beaten the Wiseman to this place. Though the fool, as he is without question, has done it in earnest; he has settled in, happily defined by clothes, a car, a home, a religion, a political affiliation. A pig satisfied.
The Wiseman cannot stay. He wanders on. It is not simply out of grief or trouble that he does (all people experience grief) but because he must resolve the void and his own existence. He rationalizes this by calling his failures a journey. And most likely he will find despair until the day he dies.
That his, unless he can truly accept his own truth as holy truth, and that the answers he fashions are the ultimate answers. Not equally valid to the answers of others, but, in fact, the answers themselves. He must not only imagine the castle, but live in it as well.
I do not know how this is done, this marriage of wisdom, imagination and will. But I do know that we live in the castles others have built. To realize this, and accept it, is cowardice.
I’m afraid that your condition won’t allow acceptance either.
“Chop wood, carry water.”
http://www.ccmep.org/2003%20Articles/060503line_up_for_a_lobotomy.htm
"Surely, it is better not to begin than to turn back once one has begun."
- Shantideva, Bodhicaryavatara
"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better."
Samuel Beckett
Burn the bridge behind you.
Leave no retreat.
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