The Library

During a recent bit of soul-searching, I came to the unhappy conclusion that I'm not a spiritual person.

I did not like this.

Over the years I've been systematically removed from conceptions of who I am and what my 'specialty' is. I'm not good at sports; I'm not good at math, or science; I'm not good at literature, history, the humanities, psychology or philosophy; I'm no artist, nor a musician, nor a pop-culture afficianado.

It's made looking for a career a very disconcerting affair.

Since about 18, when a personal crisis launched my 'spiritual life' (such as it is), I've always tried to think of myself as a spiritual person. I've wanted to do so; I've needed to do so. Without that definition of who I am and what I do well, I have no personality, nothing that is distinctly 'me'.

So when it came up in the routine inventory and confession of sins and defects that the underlying cause of many of my current problems was spiritual pride and thinking that I was a 'spiritual person', I had to face the fact that continuing to think that I was somehow the spiritual type had to be cut away, or I could expect to go on being miserable.

And so I cut it away.

Yet, the allure of spirituality still has me. I still think about it a lot, read about it almost exclusively, am fascinated by the subject. Also, by the natures of my vocation and avocation, I have to deal with spirituality all the time: there is no way for me to entirely avoid it. In light of the topic which I wish to specialize within (trauma, grief and loss), also, I am going to be dealing with spiritual topics and discussions. So I haven't given up spirituality, so much as my personal investment in it, my self-identity through it.

I've become now, instead, a person who knows about spirituality, rather than someone who is spiritual; I have acquired knowledge of spiritual topics, but not a great deal of personal experiential knowledge. I know far more than I have put into practice; in terms of practice, I am just a beginner, really.

As a result I've been changing my approach, especially in my work with other people, towards being a 'librarian', if you will: someone who may not have personal experience, but who will be able to provide others with reference materials for their own spiritual paths.

Hence, the library.

The idea with the library is pretty simple: to collect spiritual literature from the world's religious traditions, dealing with any topic. Of course, it reflects my own personal point of view, and is likely to include materials with which I am familiar at least, preferably something I have read and/or practiced myself at some point.

At the moment, most of my materials are, of course, Islamic; the library as it stands reflects my own personal spirituality and religious beliefs. But I have a small collection of Christian materials, such as from C.S. Lewis and Thomas Merton (the latter of whom is one of my more favorite writers; I find his work highly challenging, almost daunting). I have some small amount of Buddhist materials, leftovers from my days as a Buddhist, which I had originally intended to divest but am now keen to hold onto; and I have begun looking to expand the sections on Hinduism, and I've just purchased the first Judaism book (by Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi).

Also, of course, are the ones dealing with spirituality from a broad overview sort of perspective; The Perennial Philosophy, The Varieties of Religious Experience, and such. At the moment I'm looking to find books that deal, most especially, with the building and creation of a spiritual life outside of organized religion, as I think that such a topic will be especially useful to the folks that these books, ultimately, are intended to reach and hopefully help.

The process of building a library of spiritual materials has presented some interesting challenges, though. Do I include 'New-Age' materials, such as Conversations with God? I wasn't terribly impressed with those books, or Eckhardt Tolle's The Power of Now; I found them too fluffy, too shallow, for my personal tastes. What about Wicca, or neopaganism? I know that I have my own personal biases against these. Do I include magick, hermetic or otherwise? Theosophy? What about the Baha'i?

When I look at these, I realize where my bias lays: to me, the expression of spiritual belief always revolves around the Sophia Perennis; anything which lays outside of this conception is, to my mind, beyond the pale of spiritual thinking and belief. Even systems of belief such as that expressed in Conversations with God or The Power of Now are too watered-down a version of this theory for my tastes.

The question I find myself facing is: since this is my library, do I constrict myself? Do I focus only on books that align with my personal worldview? Or, because the purpose of the collection is to have materials which I can use, or provide, to others in their spiritual path, do I broaden it to include those materials with which I may have some personal disagreement?

I haven't yet decided.